Works in Progress

heguidesmyfeet asked: Can you just please start posting stuff again? I miss you and your hilarity.

Barat. I don’t know when you sent this. Because I don’t know anything about Tumblr. But I’m gonna try to learn it. I miss you!!! Lauren told me about your conversation regarding a certain person and her desire to “jump my bones” and I laughed harder than I can remember …

So you’re walking along the sidewalk, wearing a miniskirt and a cardigan, and there’s a man taking photos of you. You pose occasionally. You climb up on top of a parked taxi cab. Nothing really major happening there. Suddenly, you see a cop pull over a driver and begin issuing a ticket. What do you do? What any sensible person would do … In order to get the stranger out of a ticket, you flash the cop from across the street. Lo and behold, the cop doesn’t find this very funny. Next thing you know, you’re being frisked and the cop is getting a little handsy. So, you slap him. And suddenly, you discover that he’s not a cop, he’s a robot cop. In fact, the street is full of robot people – mal-intentioned robot people. Oh gosh, what are you going to do??? Just in the nick of time, a fat Latino pulls up in an old convertible and beckons you to get in. Of course, you do, and the two of you get out of dodge. As you’re rolling down the highway, the portly Hispanic guy gets thirsty and produces a gallon of milk – which he dumps all over his face (all while driving). This is perfectly normal to you though, so you don’t mention it. Suddenly you notice something strange … the driver is *gasp* OVER-HEATING! He’s a robot, too! Somehow you escape though, and now you’re holding a press conference.

Have I created a wild, drug-induced story that makes no sense? No. This is the story art for a new Brittany Spears video. It was on the TV when I came downstairs for breakfast the other day. It just goes to prove that, although her hair has grown back, don’t be deceived – she’s still batshit crazy.

I wrote a haiku.

It is really very good.

You want to hear it?

with a sentence or phrase in my head that I’m determined to use at some point during the day. Today, it’s “Be careful with that joke, it’s an antique.”

So, I wanna constantly update my Facebook status about this bin Laden thing, but I feel it would be overkill. However, I keep thinking of funny things. So I’ll just post them here.

“Japan? What’s a Japan? Tornado in St. Louis? What tornado? William and Kate’s Wedding? What wedding?”

“Free gas for everyone!”

“This is like Spring Break … all these colleges are having massive keggers and shit.”

“Let’s have him taxidermied and displayed in the Blue Room.”

“The whole Hitler/bin Laden coincidence just goes to show that history repeats itself, and it’s unfortunate that we don’t learn shit from it.”

“It’s a shame he won’t have to suffer through the painfully slow American justice system.”

Now, onto the serious stuff. My immediate reaction is this: Some credit Obama, some credit Bush. It occurs to me that this could be a joint effort. As hard as that is to grasp, it is possible that credit is due to both presidents, not to mention the entire military and its leaders who have worked through both terms. In my opinion, yeah, Obama gave the order. To me, that’s luck. I think any other president would have done the same thing. The timing just worked out for him.

To me, Osama bin Laden was not a huge threat. Yes, he did terrible things and deserved to be punished for said things. That is now done. Do I feel safer with him dead? No. The dude didn’t even have phones in his “compound.” He had a bad liver and bad kidneys. He was on his way out.

I don’t know why everyone wants to see pictures. Why is the burden of proof so high? Well, probably because our government makes stuff up. I also credit pretty much every president since William McKinley for that.

I’d hate to be a Secret Service agent right now. Have you seen the crowd at the White House? This wasn’t a planned event, and the turnout is a little extreme. They’ve probably pooped their pants.

Alright, that’s about all I have for now, I guess. I’m so sick of this already.

Sounds like a fragrant change-of-pace …

So, I’m getting emails about every five minutes from this “No Gas Day” thing, and while I find the heart behind it admirable, the logic is flawed. Not getting gas for one day doesn’t influence oil companies in the least. Why? Because everyone will fill up the day before or the day after. So, while profits will be slightly less on that particular day (I say slightly because there’s simply no way to keep everyone in the US from getting gas on that day, and the percentage of those boycotting will be miniscule compared to those who will go about their daily lives normally), profits for the day before and the day after will be increased. No matter when you buy the gas, you’re using it. Why would they care when you buy it?

I understand the outrage regarding gas prices. Believe me, I do. But if we really want to change the situation, and get our balls back from these big oil companies, we have to get away from their product. We have to start supporting better alternatives. How bad are we going to let it get? Also, keep in mind that oil is a limited commodity, and as it becomes more and more sparse, prices are going to climb even higher. Basic supply and demand.

They’re not going to stop until we make them. Would you? If you were making that much money, and while people were bitching and moaning about it, no one seemed to care enough to change it, why would you stop? No Gas Day, to them, is akin to a little kid holding their breath to get what they want. Eventually we’ll have to breathe again.

The first line of this was a fart joke.

and ended up right back where I started.

Late Sunday night, a metro-St. Louis woman awoke when she heard a loud banging on her bedroom window. Looking out, she saw a large tornado standing outside her home. Her Brinks home security system detected the tornado through both an outside motion detector and a pressure plate on the glass. The audible alarm from the security system frightened the tornado, which (according to police) fled north on Spruce Street.

Police detectives and local meteorologists believe this incident may be connected with similar reports from around the city. Such reports include vandalism to buildings, power lines, and vehicles, in addition to excessive noise violations and at least one attempted robbery. Residents are advised to take precautions and to report any suspicious activity.

The Tornado is described as being 300 to 1000 feet tall, dark grey in complexion, generally howling, and wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie.

I’m not sure what’s going on upstairs. It’s either the best sex they’ve ever had, or the worst case of domestic violence I’ve ever not reported. College is so confusing.

and it’s not about to stop now.

Yes, it is necessary to have all reporters standing outside in strategic locations around St. Louis reporting things like “the snow is falling now, and plows have hit the streets” in a manner that one would report shocking, life-altering news. The dramatic flare is what keeps people interested. And no, nothing else happened today. Just snow.

We don’t live in the Bahamas; this weather phenomenon isn’t scaring anyone in St. Louis. Can you imagine, though, the person whose watching this like it’s a tragedy unfolding before their very eyes?

Oh my God, honey, look outside! What they’re saying is true! What the hell is that stuff!? What’s the news saying about all this? Surely they’re reporting it! Ahhh! They have ALL OF THEIR REPORTERS outside talking about it! It must be serious! Oh hell, it’s engulfed the state of Missouri! Did you hear that!? The guy said it’s STICKING TO THE GROUND! It’s f***ing STICKING TO THE GROUND!!!!! Go get my Ambien and Dewars, I’m not sticking around to see how this turns out …

Anyway, I just get tired of hearing the same stuff every time it snows. Grow a pair, KSDK. There’s a segment devoted to the weather multiple times during every newscast. Report the weather then.

(Source: )